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Happy Labor Day-yíall! How is everybody & or where did y''all go?
Holy Moly! Itís already September.. So Iíd been solicited to again assist/supervise my Grandboyz for Alicia to prep for school which has already started. I just got back from Aliciaís around 7 pm Sun eve. & I feel like I need a vacation even tho I didnít DO that much nor things that are very strenuous. I think I changed Baby Gís diaper 4-5 times totally over the whole time I was there. I even forgot what day I left my apt to go there. I seem to be losing track of time for the most part.

The decision to stand with the original denial remains & Now itís been over a full year since I initially filed for ssdi-help. Apparently they donít feel that Iím severely enough afflicted. Never mind the fact that my whole life has been changed & I canít count on having a routine of any kind. Iím getting more frequent migraine headaches from different kinds of exposures to chemicals & or & most likely from the combo of lil to NO sleep & it all makes a lot of sense why theyíd decide I should be able to go to work. Right? Arghh. Sometimes I donít even feel like I can stand normal let alone walk. My legs act as tho they canít bear my full weight & feel like Iím gonna fold.

While I was at Aliciaís to be her extra pair of eyes for the boyz-when it was time to change diapers on Baby G- I had to make him lie on the floor & proceed to get down on all fours for fear of dropping him & causing my back & neck muscles to go spastic-again. I could barely get back up off the floor-my knees/legs & arms were like mush. It took a lot of effort to get back up on my feet.

I saw a PHD on the 14th of August per request of ssdi-folks & felt that the doc was empathetic towards me. She told Momma she couldnít imagine what I have to deal with & I was hopeful that we could get some resolution after seeing her. I was informed that she doesnít have the power to make any decision on my behalf & that I couldnít get the office notes from my visit. The feds get all that cause they asked for it on my behalf.

Last fall I had contacted an attorney & he told me that I needed to wait out their initial decision & then see what they say when I appealed that. So that brings me to current times & Iím goin after my claim with the help of an attorney this time. I had my voice at least quite audible for most of last week-that is- till I got gas for my car-yesterday. Then phtttttttttt it was gone within the hour.. That aftn I had developed some kind of rash/skin irritation-prolly from some personal care items-which made it most uncomfortable to sit & drive home last night. Can we say blistered buns. TMI-sorry. Butt (hah) thatís just been another manifestation of what Iím wrestling with along with the regular fever & chills, now- migraines & nerve pains, back spasms & the bugger of sleeplessness..

Do ya know what else-Iíve been sensing almost hostile animosity from my son-in law. I had that confirmed by a comment that he had made after he dumped boiling hot water in the kitchen sink on top of the plastic bottle liner that I had forgotten to remove & some other things he said. oops.. (Earlier that aftn I picked some flowers to put in their bedroom which Alicia had spent the majority of the day cleaning & re-organizing to make functional space. I used a used bottle liner & put the posies in a baby bottle on a chest of drawers at the foot of their bed. I was gonna leave a note with it but Ben was in the room before I could post the note with the flowers.) He was pissed off about the sink deal & much more. Just 2 nights ago, he told Alicia that she was becoming more & more like ME-the more time I spent at their house & he wanted nothing to do with her. The last 2 weeks she was re-organizing spaces to make them more useful & re-vamping the boys & her closets. He was blind to how much effort that takes & how much chaos it creates. Also, the dog that they got for my ex, got sick & required special diet not to mention special efforts to clean up after. So-I for the most part am totally DONE going out of my way to do anything that helps him. He plans on leaving her & the boys as soon as Alicia gets her feet on the ground from schooling. (She has tried to do & be everything & play every role for 7 years now.) I think sheís finally getting the feel of what I endured. I couldnít believe how much that felt like what I endured for 20 + years. Talk about dťjŗ vu! My s-i-l is oblivious as to how close to a nervous breakdown Alicia was last fall & forward to current times. I really hope they make it & their marriage can survive the stress. I posted a note on their bedroom door that read something to the effect that (It was the little things that attracted & drew each of you to each other. Donít let the collection of little things be the things that drive you apart. It ainít worth it!) Short of a miracle I think Alicia is gonna experience some of the same crap Iíve had to endure. Even more sad but true, I didnít know that she was surprised when Ben even showed up at their wedding to get married in the first place-until the other night. She was preggers then. ( I almost wish he hadnít shown up- after she shared that bit with me. Itíd be much easier caring for 1 child & her Dad & not herself & 3 boys & her ailing Dad.) But she also had told him that I told her that I felt like her wedding was something for me to endure & that had made her cry.. I told her I was being honest about that because of the way I had been treated & the fact that I was sooooooo sick I almost didnít go that day. That tidbit that she shared with Ben didnít put me in better/good standing & there have been a few other things that were due to misunderstandings on their parts that added insult to injury.

I wanted to clean Benís clock & kick his backside & ream him a new you know what!. But I didnít. I got guts enough to ask Aliciaís Dad-my ex-if he was aware of whatís goin on in the house? He was clueless. But then I told him that it would help if EVERYBODY in the family would pitch in & help her in doing little things & I could see that went phhtttttttt over his head-as per usual. His reply to my informing him of the comment Ben made to Alicia about ME was that-Ben has a lot of stuff to deal with, too. How can they be sooooo blind to what is so obvious? Like I said-DEJA VU! Again my heart is breaking. This time itís for her-I think..

Hugs & slugs to all. I miss you guys. Pray that I get the right person to represent my case & I can get my files in order for this. Iíve been informed that I can ask for a hearing & go before a judge-But that ainít a healthy thing for me cause it triggers the pt-- from the murder I was an eyewitness to several years ago. Help me Jesus! Please beam me UP!!! Hugs & Slugs to All. I miss yíall.

BTW-Iím planning on goin to Louisana in less than 2 weeks with my two older sisters & Momma & possibly a niece of mine for a whole week. This will be my very first real vacation since my honeymoon in Ď84í. Weíre gonna visit my first cousin & be drivin down to see his family. Then Iím gonna get my claim files in order & God help me- Iím hoping to get my BOPís done before Christmas this year. Didnít I say dťjŗ vu? Yep, Iíve even said that before too-KWIM? This is only something like the 3rd or 6th year that Iíve said that, too.

Blessings, /


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  1. Godchaser's Avatar
    Hi RoseAnn,
    Good to see you here. I am still praying for your health & well-being. I'm also glad to hear that you will be traveling a little. We are doing good. Our apartment building got a makeover this summer.... paint, flowers and plants and a new sprinkler system.