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October 16, 2013

So I had a super short consult with the weightier counselor aprox a week ago. I wasnít told any thing definite one way or the other. My records need to be perused as far as the medical statements go. Then the decision will be made as to whether or not I may have a
case that I can stand on for my claim for ssdi.. I am awaiting the notice of a date for a hearing atm. I am not- in any way- shape or form anticipating that date. Thatís due to the other extremely traumatic/& or emotional impact from being an eye witness to a point blank demise of a soul from that thing that sends penetrating bits of lead that landed right between the eyeballs of the totally innocent good Samaritan. This was a scene that was played over & over ad nauseum at the time that I saw it & seems to be a trigger to flip the switch to make that movie play again. Fer now thatís all that Iím saying about this.

Iíve been assaulted in yet another manner in my guts & that has been quite persistent for several weeks now. Iíve not been able to keep inside me- the contents of what I consume for more than an hour before I start getting tummy cramps & seek to find the porcelain throne. I prefer not to be that kinda queen even for a short time. KWIM?

So I keep getting stinkin sinus infections from exposures to fumes from fuels & I keep losing my voice to the point of being only able to barely whisper-from the lovely fragrances that grace ladies or gents. I have to admit that Iíve been pretty bummed about how much Iíve had to miss out on due to these chronic unpredictable health issues-even moreso than usual. Iím quite sure thatís due to the words spoken by the medical experts & of late the counselors I just spoke with. But I canít participate in several different activities or efforts-even if I wanted to.

Shoot Howdy- Iíve been wrestling with even ďwanting to be healedĒ- As if that makes any sense. Well- I had a wrestling match with my heart & my head & I honestly had to admit that I wasnít even sure that I ďwantedĒ to be healed-anymore. I am tired of fighting-fighting for help/fighting for sleep/fighting for strength/fighting even for the very breath that I take. Now if ya donít know me- ya wonít understand what Iím talking about or why would I say this. Anyhow- I came to the place of confessing to Daddy God that I knew that He wants me to be healed BUT & this is a big but- I donít want to go on living- like I have- cause it Aint ďlivingĒ in my books & therefore I wasnít able to get my ďwant toĒ in gear. Never mind the ďabundantĒ part of that declaration.

Hard to believe that I allowed that attitude to creep in & start taking root in my heart just cause Iíve been so exhausted & isolated. Reminds me of when I was in my apartment over 4 years ago-there I was a prisoner in my own dwelling for 7 years. I have come to the conclusion-just like I did back when Daddy rescued me from wrapping my van around a big ole oak tree goin about 100 mph several years earlier. At that time I didnít want to die-I just wanted the pain to stop. At this time I kinda feel like Iím a prisoner in my own body. But I need to be most grateful that I am able to express what I feel in my heart even if itís not really fitting for a ďChristianĒ. At least itís honest & thatís really all that Daddy is asking of us- to give it our best effort & be honest with Him. He told me HE could work with that.

It had been over a month that Iíd gotten a download from Him. That is until yesterday morning-He woke me up speaking in His encouraging & gentle voice & in poetic form. This time He didnít tell me to ďwrite these words on paperĒ cause this time He told me that He wrote them in my heart & ya know what? My head doesnít have a clue what He told my heart & for now thatís ok-cause the results are that in some small ways I feel a lil bit better& maybe just a lil bit stronger for today.

Concerning the Rocks & the Hard places-Well Iíve been in hard places before & His Faithfulness & Unending love allows me to continue to stand firm on the Solid Rock. And THIS I will do-So help me Daddy!

JSYK-tomorrow morning Iíll be getting a call to verify that I can get some help due to my circumstances-it will be good to have the ability to have ifood & maybe even health insurance coverage on a regular basis again. HE is GOOD-Always & Forever.

Blessings to All, Slugz &/or Hugz (:boxer::tacklehug: )

RA :rose:
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